just consider yourself lucky that _you_ didn't have to type this out... god, that was a messy 7 pages.
Where am I going in life?
I sit here in the dark, writing crap that I am unable to see; i can only assume that it'll still be here in the dreaed morning, the morning (very morning) that marks the anniversary of me being one day closer to the end of my life.
I cannot but think of that shitty English exam and think of how i explained the technology, but not what would come of it (which was like the whole fucking point of the fucking test).
I'm thinking, wow, level 5 city and yet my subconscious is being fucking optimistic. It knows how hard I was pushed by that sadistic test and telling me that everything must turn out okay.
But there's no God, is there? There's only us, and what we do dictates both our future and our past.
Writing in the dark now, unable to see a single sodding letter is a good analogy of my life. I can only hope that this shit will still be here in the morning, but very recently I've begin to wonder "why".
What's the fucking point. It makes no difference in the long run, my life makes no difference to this world. I could die right now and only a handful of people would even know/care that I'm gone, and even most of them would learn to forget their sorrow soon enough. Maybe it's for the best; after all, the human race is no good if it lingers on it's past (says evolution), and it's right.
But nothing I do makes a difference. I could die, achieve high, become a psychotic killer, murder hundreds, torture thousands and it would make no difference.
The only thing that really keeps me going (to be brutally honest) is coding, my friends (and perhaps more importantly) my friends from the net.
Fucked-up AOL are going to leave me internetless for 4 weeks (2o working days) when we move house on Monday. All my crap is currently in cardboard boxes, apart from a few odds 'n' sods as well as my laptop. Still, the lack of internet is one lifeline cut loose.
I can't really be arsed to code, although I've been trying to ease my way back into the habit by starting DB0, a database server-type project. The code is clean, the codebase fresh but chronically unfinished and practically unstarted. And I can't be bothered to make a proper start.
All of my spare time (at the moment) is spent on the internet or doing homework (which I try to avoid as much as possible). A fresh stream of data coming anew 24/7 is my addiction, and probably a curse. Without it, and with a reluctance to code (I may as well have no tools at all) I have only friends 'from school' and family.
And friends 'from school' is the best way to describe them; most so shallow and narrow-minded. All that seems to matter to them is school. There's a whole world to explore out there, and the only barriers keeping them in are the ones inside their minds.
Ah, wonderful family. Nice enough people, but I can't remember the last time I had a more-than-fifty second long conversation with any of them. More like acquantinces brought together by circumstance than friends.
As the barriers of my mind are lowered and the pure emo/goth pours out and envelops my thoughts as the anniversary of One More Day Closer To My Death gets closer and closer, I know that if I die with a knife in my chest it'll be in the early hours of the morning.
"Where do we go from here?"
Now that I think about it, Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody would be a precise (if slightly too up-beat) song to play in this case.
